[No paragraph markings in the original; some added here for ease of reading.]Heath 3d of May 1842
Dear Sarah
I know not where you are, or what your situation is, I endeavor to give you up to God, and implore mercy for your body, and soul - Moses writes he has been in a store in South Salem in the autumn. Mrs. Wicks is married to Cable Wicks, her first husbands brother, and gone to the west. He sends remembrance to you and Mary. Called Mr. Carlton , "Carlton" and "Bently" a scoundrel of the 1t degree." Mrs. Pierce writes Mr. Maginsos has left my house, and Mr. Eldrid has gone into it - he is a merchant and just married his second wife, her new furniture wants my chamber, and they want to put my dinner in the woodhouse chamber. O how many trials, travail in the train of widowhood, and being destitute of a home. Alas! I fear I shall wear out the patience of Wm and you all. For I have written 3 letters to Lucy - long ones two since they have written to me, and I fear my continuing to ask for money, wearied him. I do not see how money is to come to pay my board, and get my things here, nor do I know where to put them, were they here. I enjoy myself very well in society here now, when I see people they give me a kind word and I can thank him who has all hearts in his hands for the favor.
My health too is comfortable. Mrs. Pierce wants to know if she may sell books that have the names of my daughters in them. She does not specify titles, nor does she expect to get any money for them. I feel like going back to Ohio. Mr. M. can pay me in produce, and I do not like to eat other folks food here, and not pay them, but what to do I do not know. Mrs. Emersons place can be rented for 25$ per annum, and Mary might keep a select school in the shop, where is an open door to go in, and people could pay produce for schooling their children, and that provide sustenance for us. I would like that, for her and me, if it suited her - but I fear it would not suit her mind, or health; besides it would be distant from Lucy, and I presume Wm. would never be willing to come this way. I like the religious views and feelings of religious people this way - but I suppose it would be most proper for me, to be where my children can have access to me, in sickness, and I to them, if they were sick.
Tuesday morn, June 1t
My desire to know the mind of Wm & Lucy is this, to know where to fix my home on account of my goods. If I rent Mrs Emersons place, my goods better be left at Troy; if they can provide a room in Mr Alva Meads house, or any where else, within 3 hours ride of them, and are willing, I should come near them; why then Samuel might accompany them to New York. If they think of giving up the school on account of Wms health, why then I presume Wm would go to his farm in Ohio, and I would be glad to go too, and in that case my things better remain, and I go out this summer. Josiah starts to day for Clyde; and I should have good company could I go with Him; but I can decide nothing, til I hear from them, and I ought to have written to Samuel, ere he starts, and it is now June, and he is to return in July. I do not know at what time; for all the things I do not daily need, have been put up 4 or 5 weeks, to go to Conway, and of course the catalogue of the Lane Seminary, is packed with them; besides I cannot leave til I can pay the Dr and I would not wish to til I pay Mr. Dickinson.I went to bed at 10 last night, and slept till after one, then sleep forsook me, and pros and cons were in my mind, in regard to my location. If Wm & Lucy rather keep the trunk for the present, send the box to Spencer, and get him to send it to Samuel Ware in South Deerfield directed to me, to the care of Capt. Samuel Denham, Gen Asa Newland or John Newland I guess, or Avery Newland. If you go to N. Haven find Molly Olmstead teaches in a high school. His wife was Harriet Smith of New Canaan, her Mother lives with her and will be glad to see you for your fathers sake. Also Katherine St John who lives in the great house built by Mr DeForest. Amzi [?] Benedict lives there also. I will write a note to each introducing you if you go pray to God to provide his grace. Mr. Maginsos does not live in my house.
I would locate myself here, I shall expect to enjoy good preaching, if Josiah is here, and be buried by my Father, but I should want Mary to keep a select school in the house, and the cold, and winds might be a disadvantage to her health. besides Ephraim Hastings is an old acquaintance and he being a widower and my house facing his, might create evil surmizings among the boys, but if Wm & I think best, I will try to fix a home here, in Brookfield, Ohio, or New Canaan. All my haste is about my goods. What do you say Dear Sarah is it not best for me to look out for a place to call home, before cold weather, returns; I want one on your account as well as my own! I do not care how plain it is, if I can have wholsome [sic] air, and a little graham bread & cheese. If I could ride out once a week, it would enliven my spirits, and make me more tolerable to those around. [The following sentence has been scratched out:] There is a blue umbrella here, that I think is yours, or Marys, please tell me if you had one blue, with a white nob [sic], as large at top as a small peach, shaped like a sailors hat.
4th of June
I hope when you are calculating to be on the water, you will take a time when the moon shines. I want to have you looking out for a school and ask your friends to find a small select school. I do not know but there would be room in Nelson for a small select school now Mr & Mrs Osburn have gone to Huron, and perhaps they will go to Mich. I have not heard a word from Mrs Garrets Daughter in law Atwood, since I came to the east. How strange it is, do you think she is offended? I fear your health will suffer, so you will never get over it. I fear you will incur disease and die. You might be absent in six months or a year and then return. Old Mrs. Allen told me she had 4 children to educate. They gave 50$ to Miss Lyons school and never expected to be able to send a child there. Could you, and I keep house in Mrs Emersons house, and you teach a select school, it would be better than for you to die. Dr Emerson has 4 daughters to educate and there are 8 or ten others I think, would go if produce could be paid for it. Mrs Emersons place rents for 25$ per year. Samuel will soon get rid of his patrimony and he has lost 150$ by the failure of a bank in Ohio. We shall be a family of paupers soon, I fear.5 of June
According to Mary's Advice I have wrote to Samuel Walnut Hills, Deacon Pierce's wife in Nelson, to let in Brookfield if she can afford travelling expenses. She had to pay 15$ to Dr Kimbal for fixing her teeth. I must stay with Mother all I can, perhaps visit in Conway and Sunderland this summer as I cannot go abroad in the winter. I am going to try to act cheerful when I feel as if I wanted to cry; or no one will endure me. Mr Truman Smiths death makes me fear I shall not have an old friend left, should I live a few years. I thank you for all your letter[s] & I thank Wm Ferris. I am glad you recruited so much in vacation. Had I a home for you, I should be anxious to have you leave S Hadley on account of your health. Don't you press on yourself as you have, the weather is growing warm. Drop one study. Let me have your black cravat, and all black things, as I never expect to wear any other color.I wish you could ride out 3 miles every day. I am glad you think of taking a school. I hope the Lord will give you a lovely school, a good boarding place, and kind employers, that will consult your health wisely. I did not hear, by Mr Nichols that Mrs. Foote would take me for 1$ per week. The trunk you may keep til you can send it without much expense, to Conway, Mr John Nowlands, or Col Asa's. I put in a letter and sealed up the box of things I hope Brother Miller will call & take. He is going to Brookfield this week, and if it is put up snug, and sent to Spencer, I think Brother will call on Spencer, but keep it rather than let it get lost.
I think Cousin Avery may go down again. The trunk I am in no hurry for til fall. I think of going down to Conway and return with Josiah in case Brother Miller will carry me. We may not go thru Conway. We did not calculate to have his people but one sabbath. So I suppose if he leaves this letter with Spencer, you will need to improve the first opportunity to send the box which contains my caps, to Spencer. Brother goes in his old chaise, so there will not be room for any very large box; you better sew on the cover and get 1/4 of a yd of calico or cloth decent color, and tie around it, after it is torn in two, to make it long enough to lift the box by it. Tho you may have something yourself. never lay out money, if you can contrive any other way.
I think Sam ought to try to get a school 15 weeks vacation was assigned on purpose probably. I thank Mrs. Foote, I would accept of her offer now, were it not for Mother, and visiting friends, for the last time, for if life be preserved, and we return to Ohio, I shall not be able to go next summer; probably for we must go so as to get fixed before cold weather, in 1843. I could buy or hire Mrs Emersons house for you, and Mary to teach there besides. Mr & Mrs O are gone. And we should want provisions for pay, & that would suit the people. I did not know what to do with my furniture. They wanted the chamber. Mrs Eldrids new furniture must be laid by, for I told them deduct what you please for rent, but not move the furniture. If I go to Conway to stay a week & to Sunderland 3 weeks then return to Heath and let Samuel come then - tho I do hope he will find a school or some employment then, that will net him 50 instead of buying a home and adding 60$ expense to the house. Pray for your brother. He wants you & Mary should have housekeeping. The last letter was the most respectable one I ever reeived from him, as to the appearance of it. He spoke [of] getting subscribers for the watchman of the valley, the water, and for all merciful circumstances, attending your vacation. Should Wm's life be preserved it would be my opinion he would be faithful - but should he die suddenly, what have I to stew, why I should not go to the poor house. Lucy sent 10$ and I paid the Dr. and Mr Dickinson 5$.
Monday 7 o clock. A. M.
Have visited the paupers with Hart Leavitt. Miss Taft was once the first young Lady in town, been sick 14 years, expended 1100$ of the towns money, has not been dressed in 4 years, was brought up on a bed from Athol much against her will. Has cried a great deal. Is not a christian. I prayed with, gave her a shilling, told her she must touch the hem of Christs garment. Told her that in Heathen countries she could not be as highly favored, but might be cast out to die. Now Sarah Miss Taft worked too hard and never could get over it. You have not a strong constitution and if you do not destroy youself this summer, getting your learning, it will be of no use to the world. I held you in his hand for weeks past, but heed the ground you have gained and not try to go on with more than one study, if you can do it without a chill. At any rate take care of your health. If you once get down, you never can rise with your constitution I fear. So don't you be "pressed pressed pressed" It must not be. Had Samuel Miller taken my advice, I do not know but he might be living now. Had Alexander taken my advice I think he would have lived longer, if not got well. Will you take my advice, and live easy. It is not in the nature of things for you to be sustained thru warm weather; fever or some fatal disease will overtake you, if you crowd in yourself, as you have done. So I warn you: for I could do but little, if I had a home. But you I would feel bad to be sick from home.How many distressed females in these parts - I never heard of so many [...] in my life. I visited Miss [...] pale and unable to do any thing; but sit in her rocking chair. If Mr Fisher is installed next week on Wednesday and brings his family to board here Mrs Dickinson wants as few as possible (for she expects to be sick the first of Sept. and she rather I would not be here. So if Mrs. Denham and Mrs Hubbard seem to wish to prolong my stay, I shall probably stay according to circumstance. I can not say that Mrs Hubbard is alive - or in circumstances to see me. Rhoda Childs son is a first rate portrait painter, perhaps I can get him to improve your pa's. I have missionary books which I can give as a present when I am under obligation pray for me that all things may work for my eternal good. I suppose I have written boldly enough to give you timely warning. If you sink this summer, I think you will loose your health to return no more. The Lord give you providence, and wisdom. Tell Brother Miller has come, and I expect to go to Conway or South Deerfield with him. If I stay a week in Conway, and come back to the installation I think of staying to Conway & Sunderland a few weeks. Mrs Eunice Childs Hubbard said she would carry me to Snyder, to see my old correspondent her sister, if I would stay with her a few weeks, and I will send you a paper, to tell where I am. I want a check on Greenfield bank for 20$ for Mr Dickinson to finish paying my board here. If you have not wrote to Lucy will you write, and ask for money or a check for Aaron Dickinson
[There is more to this letter in faded, crosswritten script, but I can't decipher it.]