A Letter Written in Feb 1858

[Paragraph marks added for ease of reading]

Chatham [NJ] Feb 1858

My Own Dear Annie

I intended to have answered your letter ere this but circumstances which it is not necessary for me to relate has prevented me. I was agreeably surprised on receiving your last letter for I was just then thinking of answering the other one. I have so many things that I wish to tell you that I really dont know where to commence. Although it is very pleasant to hold communication in any way yet it seems as if you cannot bring in the compass of a letter scarcely half you want to say. I do not like this abridging things so much[.] But as the Fate seems to be against us we shall have to be satisfied with this mode of conveying our thoughts.

It is a shame that we cannot see each other living as we do only a few miles apart I cannot come to see you as easily as you may suppose for if I could I assure you you would have seen me long ago. Dear Annie how I do long to sit down with you and have one of those good long talks about many things. When shall that happy time be? Oh when!

I think I can truly sympathize with you in regard to your feelings on the great subject that interests us both or ought to engage our thoughts more than any thing else. It mean[s] our souls salvation. It does seem to me that I am even more worldly accordingly than I was before I indulged a hope that my sins were forgiven. I cannot deny that I take for too much pleasure in worldly amusements companions &c than I ought. And what is worse it does not give cause me that concern which I wish it did. I do suppose that if I could see my sins in anything of the light which God sees them it would be more than I could bear. How very strange not only in view of what the Scriptures unfold to us but also the constant warnings of Gods Providence that we should be so insensible to our condition in the sight of him who cannot look upon sin but with abhorrence. And as we manifest so much indifference to our own best and highest good of course we can see our companions treading the broad road to ruin without making comparative any effort to rescue them from everlasting burnings.

Have I Dear Annie drawn to[o] sad a picture. I think our hearts will condemn and as God is much greater how must we appear in his sight. I shudder to think of it. I hope I an [sic] sincere in saying that I think it would be perfectly right if God should banish me forever from his holy presence. But why do we enjoy religion so little or rather why have we so little of the oil of grace in our hearts surely it is not because the blood of Christ cannot atone for our sins[.] And if God "spared not his own Son but delivered him up for us all how shall he not with him freely give us all things" God has promised to send the Comforter & if we pray aright he will grant us his enlightning [sic] purifying & sanctifying influences.

Ah here is the secret I think of our unhappiness[.] We do not seek that we may find. I often think how easy a matter it is to talk about our duty & get how very difficult it is to perform it. When I think about these things I cannot describe my feelings. I suppose you well remember Mother Cookes instructions about duty[.] She would tell us that it is the only path of safety. You have not yet united with the church you say[.] I was in hopes you had[.] Now Annie lest an old schoolmate give you a piece of advice. Of course I take it for granted that you believe it to be a duty binding on all of Christs followers. I know full well that it costs an effort & often a great one too to sever as it were worldly ties & openly awow [sic] our attachment to Christ but he requires it of all those [who] would be his children & has he not a perfect right too [sic] And when he has done so much for us ought we not to do anything esteem it a privilege as well as a duty to do whatever will have any bearing on our own well being or the advancment [sic] of Christs kingdom on earth.

Let me tell you Annie for I speak from experience that I know the longer you put it off you will feel less and still less inclined to do what you know is duty I do not suppose I should have joined the church if it had not been for mother but I do not now regret it[.] True I have not performed the vows I then made faithfully & I fear that my conduct has led some to think lightly of the religion I profess yet still though I cannot excuse myself for my shortcomings I feel as if it is better to be in the path of duty. Excuse me Dear Annie for the liberty I have taken to address you so freely on this subject but I know you will forgive me[.] Be assured you can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth you Gods grace will be sufficient for you. Do not forget me in your prayers.

I suppose you would like to hear about my visit to Bloomfield. I went on Saturday afternoon & returned to Newark on Monday morning[.] Mr Cooke was going to New York & so I rode up with him. I intended to have made a much longer visit but circumstances would not allow. There are no girls there that you know except Annie & Jessie Rait & Mary Clow & the only old teacher is Miss Butler. What a chang[e] in so short a time. I believe they have a very nice lot of young ladies this winter. But I guess we should not fancy them as well as those who were our companions there. It did seem so natural. Mrs Cookes Bible Class how good it did seem to hear her good instruction once more[.] They are studying Peter the next lessons was to be on wives[.] Mrs Cooke said it was what they all expected to be[.[ How I should like to have been there. I heard Mr Duffields Lecture New Years sermon it is not necessary for me to tell you that it was firstrate [sic] I do not think I ever enjoyed any ones preaching so much as I do his. I saw our old teacher C[...] he has not altered in the least. I saw R Hester but not to speak to him.

Gussie gave you some information concerning matters and things. Is it any more than can be expected. I guess you have not heard the whole story yet. I should like so much to have had you gone with me to Bloomfield I know you wuld [sic] have enjoyed yourself so much. Have you had a letter from Gussie? I am expecting one every day. I had a letter from Adalaide not long since. Josie Little is at home attending school[.] She has been to see Nell Mcloren I suppose you have heard that she is married. I forget her husbands name I believe she lives on L.I. How I would like to see her in her new situation. I think I shall go somewhere to school next winter. I would go to South Hadly [sic] if I could get in but I expect it is to[o] late. Would you not like to go there "Spose we go. I should like to go while Gussie is there I expect to teach next summer, where I taught last summer you say you are "almost tempted to enter the lands of Hymen["] particularly if I think of such a thing. I assure you I have no such thoughts as that a[t] present & my advice to you is that you had better remain as you are for a while at any rate you have not tasted enough of the sweets of "single blessedness" yet. you talk of doubling yourself better wait until you get some years over your head. However I shall not be at all surprised to hear of your marriage at any time[.] Send me a piece of cake if you have any[.] I dont expect I can get to the wedding.

But I must stop writing such nonsense. I am sorry to be under the necessity of always asking you to excuse my bad writing as well as mistakes &c [...] but you must know that I have just been writing a letter & I have still another one to write before my account on the score of letter writing will be squared up & s. I have to write in a desperate hurry & I presume you know that a teacher has no time to spare[.] They are writing to take my letter to the office & so I must close[.] Do come and see me if you can[.] Give my love to your sisters

from your sincere & affectionate friend
Carrie

write soon a long letter I think you might

Accept a great deal of love in haste

I did not expect and did not wish to teach this winter but a few few families joined together and were anxious that there children should have the benefit of my excellent teaching and so I consented to go[.] I have about fifteen scholars a nice little school it is quite as many as I care about loving. I do not think a teacher can do justice to so many how do you like teaching?

[The dealer had identified the letter as being from Chatham NJ, and when I asked how he was able to pinpoint that it was NJ and not another Chatham like NY or MA, he said he got the letter with many other NJ letters, so it was his strong assumption it was also NJ. It seemed reasonable since Bloomfield and Newark, two towns mentioned in the letter, are close to Chatham NJ. I'm not entirely sure I have the identification of this writer correct, but I think it is Caroline E Wilde x1856. She talks of going to South Hadley, so I looked for a student named Carrie or Caroline from Newark or Chatham who had been at the Seminary before 1858 and who had not finished her degree. Caroline Wilde was the only one who fit all these requirements.]