1705 Fairmount Ave
Monday eveningMy dear Dr. Clapp:-
[solemn face] I am in a scrape. I fear you think I do nothing but fall into them as soon as I am away from Mt. Holyoke and you! I am vexed with myself - oh most excruciatingly - and especially because I have only myself to blame.
Sometime ago someone asked ... why I didn't apply for a fellowship I replied that I expected to teach next year, that it would be a thoroughly absurd and idiotic thing for me - a woman - to do under any circumstances even if I had not planned and a greed to do something else. "He said" why don't you apply and see what happens, nothing will be lost. It seemed that no one had applied in physiology and apparently Dr. H. was sad. Then, I in a moment of madness, feeling that nothing was to be lost or gained, and filled with a little of the gambler's spirit wrote the note that the suggester was ready to dictate and mail. The next day I repented at leisure and tho't of recalling the note, then it seemed ridiculous to even do that - the thing was so absurd. Still I felt that I had done wrong when my course was planned to play for the fun of the thing with fire even if it were as far off as the stars. Weeks later when I looked in the Univ. Cat. and read all that Univ. fellows were supposed to do & be I laughed with merriment, and decided that my evil doing was like that of a fly tickling on King's nose, and no harm could come and that I was filled unhappiness because not only had I not been square but my own sentence note was probably the most audacious thing that ever appeared before the president. I was indeed low in my mind because I had played with fire when I had no right & because from this other point of view I had really insulted the university in disregarding all their rules and regulations applying in such matters.
"For the life of me" I cannot see how I ever happened to do this. For some reason the very wildness of the thing struck my fancy and like all evildoers, I thought no harm could come. Then, too, in the numbers of applications that they would have mine would be lost, &, too, the lottery of the thing struck my mood - and blotted out my sense of propriety. I know I had done wrong,
but like all evildoers tho't no lasting harm was done.Well - after a time thing thing turned up in Dr. Howell's hands & it seems that he indorsed [sic] it - evidently because I was a woman and thelotteryeffect on the committee would give him entertainment and it was a safe thing to do. Dr. H. is a cautious man. A game - you see - from first to last. To-day he asked me if I could find time to make him two membrane tubes, & when he took them he said that the registrar had told him that my name had been recommended for a University fellowship which was equivalent to appointment!! Gee whiz! They must have had some mighty poor specimens. I am filled with unhappiness because a thing I had no right to do - and did in a moment of madness - (cerebral insufficiency, I guess) has borne fruit when there should have been none. I've learned a lesson and poor Dr. Howell has a shock - for he didn't think the committee would pass a woman!It is late so I must stop and go to bed and meditate about my sins at another time!
Morning. [pouty face] I am awfully ashamed of myself and I'm afraid you won't even have any faith in me any more if in a moment of thoughtlessness I do things of this kind.
What had I better do - wait until after Commencement when the official notice is sent and decline as gracefully as I can a little later? Did you even know such a fool? I admit that I wish the laws of the universe did not prevent an object from occupying two parts of space at the same moment! But, the worst is I haven't any respect left for myself. "My ego" would like to strangle "my me". I do not know whether it is true that women have a less keen sense of honor than men - but it looks as if I hadn't any.
Please scold me, as I deserve. I've relieved my mind for the time being. If I get drowned in the summer perhaps that will straighten things up! Wow! It isn't any fun to hate oneself.
I've learned a lot beside physiology this year!!
I must go to work. I do not know whether I can finish up what I want to do this week or whether I shall have to stay over into the next.
Anna leaves for Seattle on Monday and I shall leave then if possible. The commencement comes about the eighth so I suppose I can work in the lab. till then, if it seems best? It is such fine weather that it is hard to work after three o'clock.
Oh. Jerusalem - I hate to think what you will think of me! [Sweating upset face]
With love Emma
[There was a Dr. Howell at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore around the time this letter might have been written, so I searched for Emma with her 1705 Fairmount Ave address and discovered her in the Johns Hopkins University register for 1907-1908. Emma lived at 1705 Fairmount Ave, Machias, Maine according to that register. This is a little different than Emma's bio in the MHC alumnae directory, where it lists her as being a fellow at JHU in 1908-1909, in between two jobs at Mount Holyoke, so I'm guessing she wrote this in the spring of 1908 when she found out she'd gotten the fellowship.]