Amherst College
Amherst, Massachusetts
103 North College
Amherst College
Amherst, Massachusetts
November 20, 1955
10 P.M.
Dear Pat,
When you walked into the room at the church, I must confess I was at a complete loss to know what to say or do. Never in my life have I felt like such a heel, which may seem surprizing [sic] to you. My explanation is long (seven and a half months) overdue, but I hope you will at least hear me out. Then you can either think I am a liar and a heel - inconsiderate, etc. - or (and however undeserving I am, this is what I hope you'll do) forgive me and let us become friends again.
Last spring, as you know, I went home for spring vacation. The girl I had gone steady with in high school (we broke up just before I left so both would feel free to date other people, etc.) was there to meet me, and I saw her every night save one. We had several long serious talks - and even touched on the subject of marriage. She had done no dating, and when I told her about you she didn't seem to think that made any difference since I as in a different situation - college life being what it is, and I told her that we were just friends (you and I) - "purely Platonic", you might say.
Well, I won't go into detail, but when I left Duluth I really thought I was in love with Darlene, and wanted to marry her when I got through with college, if she would wait. How she felt at the time I'll never know, but I was under the impression she felt as strongly as I did.
When I got back to Amherst, the problem was how to tell you about her without breaking off our friendship - yet I also felt I must be true to her and not go out with anyone else. I chose what I now realize was the ungentlemanly and disgraceful way out - I just told you nothing, left your note unanswered (though part of that was due to the pressure of a physics paper and freshman show rehersals [sic], in all fairness - and I couldn't have come to see your play), and never saw you again, nor explained myself. Since then I have regretted my treatment of you, but couldn't bring myself to rectify it until now.
One other factor entered into the picture. The night of the cast party following the freshman show, an Amherst freshman whom I didn't know too well (I don't even remember whom) came up to me and started talking about you and I. He said some thing which might embarras [sic] you now, so I won't repeat them, but the concensus [sic] of it was that you were quite fond of me - and all was not just friendship, as I had imagined. When I asked where he had learned this, he mentioned the name of one of your best friends, who he knew quite well and so did I (if I told, you her name, you might be angry with her, so perhaps I shouldn't). Naturally this surprized [sic] me, and under the circumstances I believed him, for it seemed to justify my actions. Reflecting on the matter, I am inclined to believe that he was exaggerating, but at the time it seemed plausible. So I did what I did, and had only one date (which I was more or less forced into because it was house-party weekend) with a Smith girl. And who should also be at our house party but Alice - so you probably figured that I was having a real fling, which was not true.
To conclude this unhappy tale: I went home in June and found that Darlene was going steady with an air force man, but wanted to go out with me, too. After giving her six weeks to make up her mind (for after what I had done I was in no mood to play second fiddle to a fly-boy), when she couldn't decide between us (although she felt we - she and I - were unsuited to each other in many ways[)], I told her how I felt and said that I planned to never see her again and would try to forget her. I still haven't recovered from my disappointment, and have had only one date all during the last three months. This girl is a friend I met in high school who is going to Wellesley - and who dates several boys with no special interest in any one person. Darlene (who's a senior in high school) broke up with the air-force friend about two weeks after I last saw her (July), so I don't know what she's doing. I see now that we just are two completely different types of people, and I'm glad that I learned when I did.
However, that won't make you feel any better - and still doesn't show how sorry and repentant I am for the way I acted last spring. The only way I can express that is to say it to you in person, and I hope you will give me the chance. I would prefer it to be soon, but I don't know how that can be arranged. Next weekend is Thanksgiving, the following weekend I have an hour test on Saturday, a paper on Monday, and an hour test on Tuesday. December 10 is Holly Hop, and Lynn Onderdonk asked me to escort a friend of hers who is coming up for the weekend - a prospective freshman (or freshwoman?).
But if you decide to forgive me and let me try to make amends, I will come to see you or have you come over here (fraternity brothers will provide transportation on a Friday or Saturday night if asked in advance) any Friday night (except Dec. 2 - hour test at 8 o'clock on Dec. 3), any weekday night, or Saturday Dec. 3 or Dec. 17 - no, that's vacation, I think.
If you condescend to do this, I will be eternally grateful, for I have always valued your friendship (though at times it didn't seem like it) and admired you. When we meet - if we meet - again, let's try to imagine that this never happened, and we are meeting for the first time. Now you know me for what I really am - and will be able to judge better what I do. If I seem rash or impulsive in my judgements, it is because I am trying to do what I feel is best on the spur of the moment. But I hope you do not accuse me of superficiality - because if I was so, I would never have told you these things - but instead glossed them over. I understand what I have done to you, but (and I hope you will, too.) also why I did them, and now is the time to correct them.
Please let me know what you are planning to do, and I will accept as graciously as possible if you say you never want to see me again. - I would not blame you at all. If you will let me redeem myself, I shall be very happy and do my best.
This is all I have to say, and it is up to you to make the next step - if indeed any step is made. If I don't hear from you, I will assume that you burned the letter and cursed me out - which is probably what I merit. If I do - I shall answer as soon as possible.
Until then -
Very sincerely,
Don
[devil or angel]