Amherst College
Amherst, MassachusettsOctober 20, 1956
Dear Pat,
Please don't think that because it has been a whole month since you last saw or heard from me that I had forgotten you completely. On the contrary - I've thought about you, about us, and about our last conversation (at least, what I could remember of it, since I was rather "high" at the time) a great deal - and have wondered what I should (and also what I wanted to) do.
Let me outline, briefly, the alternatives I felt that I had, and my reflections on them. First - I could, so to speak, drop out of the picture completely - as far as you were concerned. My justification for this is the obvious one: you have indicated that you are, or could easily become, rather seriously involved emotionally with another person - whether it's Phil or someone else is immaterial. Therefore I am in the not altogether envious position of odd man in a triangle, or to phrase it bluntly, a "drag" on you - because you wouldn't want to "hurt my feelings" and yet this other person might resent my attentions (or intentions and what have you). Thus you must make a choice, or run the risk of offending one or both of us.
If this is the case to any extent, have no fear. Contrary to what I may have said a few weeks ago, I really don't have any feelings as such. I love no one, and expect no love from anyone in return. The last thing I want from anyone is pity - and if you want to go on seeing me only because you feel sorry for me, then I would just as soon you didn't. If some of the things I say sound harsh, it is because I'm being frank, as I try almost always to be. If what I say hurts you, I'm sorry - but I think I warned you a year ago that I intended to be truthful when I could, and right now I can.
To return to what I was saying, our relationship has always been (for me, at least) one of sincere friendship, and I have always enjoyed being in your company because I felt that here was a person to whom I could tell my troubles, my hopes, my joys and sorrows, and one that I could really be myself with, instead of the usual Ivy League façade). As to the latter (façade), I practice it as much as anyone else, but nevertheless hate it. This is being hypocritical, I realize, but at least I admit it - which is more than most people will do. I had hoped, and still do hope, that our friendship could continue on approximately the same basis as last year, with the exception that both of us would be dating other people occasionally. Now I am beginning to doubt the possibility of that - but I'm not sure why. Perhaps you can tell me, for I surely don't know. (By the way, my second alternative was this letter, and - I hope - your answer.)
To explain one other thing: I told you that I had found, during the summer, that I couldn't get along without you. The reason was not mentioned: it is precisely because your friendship, your companionship, and your understanding have filled a void in my life that has been empty since my father died. To be sure, my adopted father and mother, and to a greater extent my brother, accomplish most of it - but somehow you have been my only real "confidante" outside the family. Neither my high-school friends nor my roommates have been as close to me - have really known me - as you have.
However, I don't want this to make life (or a decision) difficult for you, and neither do I want to continue a relationship on a superficial basis. The most satisfactory thing that you could do for me - the friendliest - would be to tell me exactly how you feel - about these things, about me, and about "him", and then leave it up to me to decide what is best - for me, and fairest to you.
Therefore, with that in mind, I hope you will sit down next week (after Junior Show - I know you don't have time now, and in any case I want you to think over what I've said and your "plan of action") - and write me a letter. Then I would like to see you (perhaps for the last time, perhaps for the first), and I know no other person I would rather see on Williams Weekend (November 17th) than you, and I mean this sincerely. Depending on the circumstances (i.e. studying, etc.), I may see you before then, but I want to plan this far in advance so I can get everything arranged for a perfect weekend.
I have heard encouraging remarks about the show from Jeannie, whom I see from time to time, and from what she says it will be a smash hit. Knowing you, it is not hard for me to see why - I myself expect you to insist on perfection, because that is what you're capable of getting.
I would like very much to be at Holyoke next weekend, but I know I'd only be in your way - so I'm going to Cape Cod on Friday and coming back Sunday (staying with a friend at his summer place). At 8 P.M. on Saturday, though, my thoughts will be at Holyoke, and my hopes and fears will be yours. Good luck, dear, and may all your dreams be realized.
Hoping to hear from you shortly, as always - just your
Don
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
-Romeo and Juliet, Act II Scene 2
(We're reading this in our Shakespeare class now. Is it appropriate?) D.F.J.