[Some paragraph marks added for ease of reading]Waltham May 1st 1842
Dearest Sophia
you [sic] cannot imagine my feelings when after expecting a letter from you so long it at last in [sic] came; I must acknowledge that I realy [sic] believed that you had forgotten me; else you must have taken offence at something which I had unconsciously written, though I was not aware of writing any thing that should injure your feelings on the last; but still I might have done so for Sophia I seldom peruse a letter that I write & I might have written something, tho' which if I had of read it over, would have sounded different to me & if I did so pardon me for I felt nothing, & intended nothing unkind[.]
Dear, S-a when you write will you not tell me frankly for methinks that Sophia's last letter was not like the rest - possibly Sophia may wish to discontinue her correspondence with the inferior friend, if she knowing the disadvantages of such a correspondence well as she loves Sophia her dearest friend, if she will tell her candidly of it when she wishes to do so will not be offended but take it kindly I hope you was not offended at what I wrote respecting Mr W--d for Sophia I had heard so many things of late of that kind that it agitated me even to hear his name I knew full well that what you said to me you said in kindness; I read it so, as I shall even do from you; & Sophia if there is a person on this globe that I would divulge a secret to, it is yourself; but I might have said to[o] much pardon me of my faults & when you hear any thing about me, ask me, or tell me, & you shall be told the truth in candor - may I not treat you like wise I think a great deal of the gentleman of whom I was speaking for in many instances he has proved a friend in need & "a friend in need is a friend indeed" I consider him as such to treat him as such believe me it is the truth & the whole truth -
the [sic] next day after I received your letter I wrote to you but Sophia it then seemed to me as though I was shrouded in a thick black damp, cloud & I had the horrors or hype [?] worse than when I wrote you before: & when I came to think of it I thought you would partake of its dampness to the light would turn to darkness, even so far off I therefore did not send it - you perceive that I have acknowledged that I had the blues as some term it when I wrote you before, oh! dearest Sophia I pass many a gloomy hour in silence & then again I am as happy as ever, Sophia it is very sickly here indeed there is scarcely a family but that some one of them are sick[.]
Mrs Steele is dead, was buried yesterday; & a great loss it must be to him; she has left an infant which I should think was about 2 weeks old[.] Nancy is very sick indeed with what is called the throat distemper & we feel somewhat alarmed about her for she does not gain at all - we have no help & can get none so that I shall be quite confined [?] for the present that is until we get help for about a fortnight I have been to Bs [?] almost every day. One choir gave a concert thursday [sic] evening, to see how hard singing schools most every night to prepare for it; we have had a very pleasant time it is pleasanter to prepare for a concert than the concert is largely [?] that is for me I often thought of you & wished you could join us there were but few singers Louisa W- was not there till the 2 last evenings she was in Bridport [sic] 4 weeks getting her sister ready to marry & she is at last married. Clara P. was sick most of the time so as not to be able to sing with us; Sarah Jan [?] was sick too I used to go down on foot in the after noon spend the night & return in the morning Sophia you did not tell me who told you about that ring will you be kind enough to do so in your next, I shall expect it do not be afraid to tell me it shall make no trouble I will assure you - you say "pardon me if I said that which offended you" - you certainly did not so would be it no longer Sophia if I have any thing against you if I take offense at any thing I love you I shall inform you of it immediately[.]
you [sic] wish to know if I remain at home this summer I now think I shall but tis impossible for me to tell; I wish to go to school some where although I know that I should enjoy myself full as well at home, but I know that I ought to study a long time yet & the sooner I commence [?], the better it will be for me I think there never was a time when I would enjoy myself at home as well as at the present time; I have been - studying of late & painting some which employment you know I like very much but I shall be obliged to give it up, now until Nancy gets better. I often feel that she will never be any better but - perhaps my fears are groundless I hope they are for [...] were I deprived of her I feel as though life would not longer be desirable to me do not mention what I say will you, I know you will not, please give my best love to the lady that rooms with you I love her though I have not seen her because Sophia does; her name I do not now recollect -
afternoon
Oh Sophia I would give any thing to see you, I am sitting alone now with Nancy & she has fallen a sleep she has first had a very distressed time for breath, but has got easy & is now sleeping very quietly mother has gone to the town [?] so that I am quite alone. I thought I should not have time to cross this but since I have these few leisure minutes I gladly improve this for I do hate a sheet for one I have half filled & besides I have many things to say to you which I cannot begin to get onto what now remains[.] you requested me to write in a folio sheet but they do not keep such at our city Bookstore I therefore cannot until I can send to Middlebury Sophia Burnitt [?] is going South soon Mrs Willard has sent for her saying that she has procured a situation for her in North Carolina & wishes her to come immediately she is now making ready to go tis a matter of uncertainty whether [...] goes or not this Spring I hardly think she will myself it will depend on circumstances -
Mary Scott is in Castleton [?] she sent me a paper a short time since she urged me to write to her would you do it Sophia? I dont know whether to do so or not I fear Mary would show my letters she is not quite particular inough [sic] there are so many there and of such a temperament too that I dont know as I should like to have my homespun writing & composition [...]eted for she writes very handsomely herself the only indorsement [sic] I have to write her is this she called upon me the day before she left & urged me my hand to write to her I at length promised to do so though I should not if I had not neglected visiting her she came to see me several times after she came home & I never so much as called but once & that when she first came home & feeling some what guilty for that I promised to write but have often regretted it very much do Sophia [...] this scrawl & when I write you again I will endeavor to take time to mind a pen in consequence of which think my miserable writing will be improved it needs it dont you think so I am very careless about my writing & always write in a hurry if I have never so much time do you curse me for not finishing this sheet as I am stealing time from my necessary duties & write me a long, long letter & that immediately yes forthwith do not delay a minute I shall expect it every day till it comes yours with the most devoted affection & best love of -
Sarah P. Barton [?]
Evening, I thought I should not have time to write any more or I should not have closed this just as I did I have looked this over & found so many mistakes that I am absolutely ashamed of it I hope I do not always make as many & while I think of it Sophia do not show my letters to any one but burn them as soon as possible Oh! what would I give to be where I could be constantly improving as you are Sophia I cant write I am not in writing mood & I think you was not in writing mood when you wrote me; you cannot imagine how much that letter has pained me I must tell you the whole I thought that letter a great while coming & what was worse twas so cold when I did receive it that I could scarcely believe that Sophia S Leavitt was the author if it was I jealous? was Sophia downhearted? was Sophia offended? or did she think Sarah no longer worthy of her love & confidence? be candid enough to tell me the truth respecting it will you not? do you remember that sabbath before you left us [?] oh! well do I remember it, & never shall I forget it; I often remember it with pleasure & not infrequently with pain do you remember what I said should you forget me; or to love me I could not attack the least shadow of blame to you but still it would not alter my feelings towards you though it might my conduct as it must of course but dear Sophia rather there my thing of this kind I would that I were worthy of your esteem your confidence & your love cling to me as a friend to your own injury I feel verily guilty Sophia for had I been a person of influence I should have created an influence over you quite the contrary from what it should have been yes guilt often crowds around me so as to make it quite dark within & in view of it I often feel as though it would have been better for me & for the world if I had of died in my infancy but for some wise purpose my life has been thus far preserved & I truly hope that it may be until I shall see that I have accomplished some thing that should be for the glory of my Savior & the good of mankind
S. P. B.