A Letter Written on May 28, 1883

[Some paragraph breaks added for ease of reading.]

The University of Wooster.

Wooster, O., May 28th 1883

My Dear Mother:

I was so glad to get your letter to-day. It seems a long time since I heard from you. Yet your letter distressed me exceedingly. I was feeling very blue before I got it, and certainly no less so after.

There are two comforting thoughts for us both - thoughts that have comforted me many times through these many months - one is that heaven will be all the sweeter when we get there, for these hard trials, the other is that Jesus spent his life among disagreeable people. It must have been hard for him to treat Judas kindly when he knew all the time he was a traitor at heart. I fear I am not enough like Him to treat these people kindly when they are so hateful. I fear I am growing bitter and rebellious under my trials and burdens. They are greater than I can bear. But I cannot help believing God put me here, and He dont make mistakes[.] If this is the road over which He is leading me to my better home, I can but stagger on it. It cant be very far to the end and I think I am ten years nearer that end than I was one year ago. I will make a brave effort to him however, for the sake of those dear to me.

I asked Willie the other evening what he would do if the Lord were to take me from him. I'll just hold onto the back of the chariot that takes you up was his ready reply. I think his heart would break if he were to lose me, and when I look at his poor bent limbs I feel that I could bear anything rather than leave him alone in such a world. Dear child, he has been such a help and comfort to me this Winter. Since the Doctor has been away at the Assembly, he has been the man of the house. He attends to Topsy (the horse) hitches her up and drives around generally, gets up in the mornings and makes the fires like a man. Sure it is none of my children have been allowed to form indolent habits.

I tell you Janet can put the work through. Mary is not strong and is not well this Spring, seems to be bilious, and out of sorts generally. It has been a very trying Spring on everybody. I look like my grandmother's ghost and sometimes I think maybe I am. I guess however, the inmates of this house have discovered I have a will and a wont that they must yield to. This old woman has always ruled the whole concern, and has been allowed to do it. But this got hold of the wrong woman this time. My will, like the tail of a snake, will be the last part of me to die. I'll stand for my rights till I'm pushed into my grave. There is no reason to this old body - she has completely spoiled this whole family - interfered with the management of the children, made trouble in the kitchen so they could not keep a girl and kept up trouble in general. Whenever we are out she goes poking all through the house - goes to the kitchen and looks into all the pots &c on the stove - and in short pokes her nose into everything and groans and whines around like the "end of the world was nigh at hand." Wont say what she wants, then grumbles because she dont get it. - And so on to the end of the chapter. Now you see she has to die this Winter - that was the understanding when I came here. Mercy, I might have known, a woman an old woman, would be too contrary to die off to suit anybody's convenience[.] Die, not her. She hasn't half as much notion of dying as I have, dont do anything but take care of herself, and she does that so well Im afriaid [sic] she'll suceed in living longer than I will.

Well we'll see what we'll see. The Doctor has been away two weeks and it seems two months. The burden of care is very heavy on me when he is away. He hesitated about going but I urged him to go. He has had a hard time, poor man, and needed a change. But I will not stay here so long without him again. It is too much. I have been driving things I can tell you. You would be astonishe[d] if I were to tell you all I have done, but I have about used myself up. And there is so much going on just now[.]

The girls are on the go all the time[.] To-morrow night there is a concert in which they both are. I had a drive last week to get them white dresses made for it. Thursday night of this week is the Faculty party for the Senior class. Of course I must be at that and Mary is invited also. Only three weeks till commencement, and the strangers are already beginning to come[.] It will be one continued hurra [sic] from now on. We have no girl nor any prospect of one. But we have one [?] by the day who comes a good bit of the time. She has helped me clean, and O dear What a job.

To-day I had a man blurnashing [?] the kitchen[.] He did not get quite through and to-morrow it will have to be cleaned generally speaking. I would like to know when it was cleaned. Such a place. You should see the old lady's looks. I reckon she never saw such a revolution in all her born days. She would like to keep it a regular old clutter hole, and that dont suit me, and so we dont agree. The revolution began at the front and to-day it was going out of the back kitchen door. I had Willie to dig a grave back of the stable and the tings that were buried there only the resurrection will reveal. From three to five hundred bottles of medicine did not go in while it aint for me to say how many did[.]

It is almost nine O'clock, the rain is pouring and Mary is down street. Such weather as we have had, rain, rain, rain - Snow & hail. Fires right along and winter clothes I have never had any Spring dresses. We did not have snow here - but in the Western part of this state there were 16 inches reported last week and the cars came in covered with snow. We had quite a dry spell before this rainy spell began.

And now about Lily. I think you are perhaps a little too hard on her. Look at her side of it. I am sorry she cannot be persuaded to bide her time I am sure she would find an opportunity more to her own mind. But she is lonely, and she has had a hard experience on the marrying question[.] The mistake of her life was in breaking her engagement with Mi[...] and I fear we were all a little to blame for that - so dont be too hard on the poor child, I dont think she will disgrace herself or us very seriously by marrying a Baptist if he's a good man. Of course I am sorry, very sorry he is not a Presbyterian, but I think Lily is the child of too many prayers to be allowed to get very far off the track. You have done all you could for Lily. She is an earnest Christian - no doubt the man she marries is too. Suppose she had married some ruthless fellow, or some wordly [sic] man, how much worse it would have been.

There are many most excellent people among the Baptists - and they are the most successful missionaries. Those lovely [...] of Dr Judson were Baptists you know. Just give Lily into the Lord's hands and until she does something worse than to marry a Baptist missionary - don't worry. It will all be the same when we get to heaven. In all have too much pride. Mine has been beautifully cut up by the roots and replanted in the celler [sic] of [...] where stepmothers grow. I think theyll have reserved seats in heaven tho few that get there. As long as Lily dont marry a widower with children, let her marry into any evangelical denomination under the sun - in peace.

I am so sorry for you in your surroundings, and it brings things here home to my conscience[.] This poor old soul is my husband's mother. He has borne everything from her and would to the end. I suppose she thinks I'm dreadful because I wont. Well you see when I came here she thrust out her horns at me because she was jealous, and mischief had been put into her head, and the thought the Doctor would not care for her now or for his children, since he had me, and she was ugly with him and has been all the time, more so than with me. If she had treated me right at first I would have tried to do all I could for her. But now I dont feel under any obligation in the matter. Yet I dont want to do a wrong. She requires a great deal of waiting on, and I try to see that all her wants are supplied, so far as I can find out what they are. Janet has done a good deal of the waiting on her, and you would laugh to hear her speeches. Of course we have our [...] over it as we go along. I have my children for company and sympathy and in this have the advantage of you[.]

You must be very lonely. What papers do you take? How much can you read? I certainly think you and Ellen should be together, and I am sure Ellen would like it. I talked with her about it. I would not stay till December - stay till the hot weather is over - then pack up your things & move back to Mechanicsburg and go in with Ellen. I am sure you will be happier there than anywhere else. You'll get no thanks for what you're doing so where's the [...] in doing it.

Tuesday morning - I will add a word here before I go to the office. It is not raining but threatens. Alas for the white dresses. My man and woman are driving things in the kitchen this morning. The walls were a dingy brown - polka dotted with grease spots and trimmed below with an embroidery of dirty water splashes. I have it a pale blue now - fresh and clean at least. The old pots, pans, kettles, and his things generally would set up a second hand shop.

I've just been thinking we might fence off a little plot for a cemetery, wherein to entomb the Kirkwood remains. He could have [...] bottles for head stones, Camphor cast oil and liniment bottles for foot stones. I think I could get up some fine original epitaphs. A considerable fortune is represented in the apothecary shop that is distributed over this house. He might set Horry up in drugs. But I must pass on to some other subject.

I have not heard from Mechanicsburg since I was there, have not written. I cannot get him to write letters. Now there are forty things I should be doing and a dozen letters I should write but cant. My life has been full of bitter disappointments - one of the hardest that I cannot have rest and freedom from care after I hae struggled so long to get my own children far enough along to care pretty much for myself. Now there is nothing left for me but to go till I drop in the harness as many a poor over-worked horse has done. Pray for me that I may at least get heaven at last.

Lovingly,
Jennie.