[Some paragraph breaks added for ease of reading. The writer of this letter, the former Jennie Mateer, and recently married to Samuel J. Kirkwood, Professor of Mathematics & Astronomy at Wooster University, Wooster, Ohio, is staying at a Sanitarium in Clifton Springs, N.Y., where she is receiving treatment, which seems to be primarily for depression.]Clifton N.Y. Sep. 18th /83.
My dear Mother:
I have one hour before going to my "oil rub" which I will devote to you. I was so glad to get your good letter. It helped me and I need help. I am feeling a little better this bright day, have not been feeling so well. I think a case like mine where there is nothing in particular the matter and everything in general, is the most discouraging kind of a case. The Doctors don't take much interest in you for they think you imagine more than half. And then all I can hope for is a little toning up. The doctor says that owing to my age, I must expect to be very miserable for several years. It may be a good many if I'm like you. To have all this miserable depression and suffering in addition to such a family, the outlook is anything but cheering - but as Mr. H. [her former husband] once said to me, the up-look is always bright.
I think these quiet days of self communing have been given to me for soul strengthening to help me make up my mind to accept my lot. All this year I have felt I never could. My whole being rebelled - and my pride would not yield. It has been the hardest struggle of my life, and only Christ can enable me to come off conqueror. I am so weak physically and so depressed in spirits that my burdens press with tenfold weight. I am trying to leave them with the Lord, but I have my life to live, and Dr. Kirkwoods [her present husband] family, including his mother to care for. I cannot delegate this duties [sic] - all I can do is to look to Him hour by hour for grace & strength[.] I cannot but believe the Lord put me where I am, and this being the case, I want to try to learn the lesson set for me. A lesson of humility, self denial, faith and patience.
I do not feel that I have a home or any family life - I am only staying and running the house and looking after the family, under the watchful eyes of those anxious to find fault. It certainly is a Christlike work, - to live with those who are so distasteful even repulsive, and use the little strength I have doing for them - even as Christ lived, labored and died for His enemies. Pray constantly, dear Mother that I may have grace to drink this last bitter cup. I know my Heavenly Father holds it to my lips and I know I must drink it, so all my friends can now do for me is to pray.
This is a Methodist institution - at least its founder is Dr. Foster. His wife was brought up a Presbyterian and now it is undenominational in reality though retaining a flavor of Methodism[.] The Chaplain is a Presbyterian, and there are lots of Presbyterians here. There are six physicians in charge, all as busy as they can be. One, who is a Presbyterian was a Missionary in India, Dr. Thayer.
Miss Coffman is in very poor health - has serious heart and throat trouble. I doubt whether she will ever be able to return to Siam[.] She boards quite near me and I see her very often. I have a delightful boarding place - such pleasant boarders. I am not in the Sanitarium, would rather not be. There is a lady here who went to school in Florence after I left. We have talked all the folks there over. She is now from Keokuk Iowa and very pleasant. I am going with her to a parlor entertainment this evening. Now I must go.
Saturday. I will try to finish this letter now. I wrote to Dr. K. this morning that I would go home next week. This place is very damp and I keep taking cold all the time. My head is getting worse instead of better. My physician says I can keep up the treatment at home and there I can ride all I want. Here I cannot be in the open air much because I am not strong enough to walk, and cannot sit out without taking cold - and in this house there are not arrangements for heating the house properly.
They seem to be getting along all right at home - the Dr. has been running things extensively, and so far as the work is concerned they could get along - I have not worried about them at all - but I do not think best to stay here longer now. I am glad you are going back to Mechanicsburg. I think you will be better contented there, I can think of you more pleasantly among the friends there.
About Lily [her sister] we can only give her into the Lord's hands. I trust she will be happy, though I fear she may find the change in her church relations harder than she anticipates. Poor child, my heart aches for her when I look back over my own life. If only she keeps her health, she will get along. I think Calvin [her brother, a missionary in China] is a little hard on her - he don't understand a woman's feelings. Lily never should have gone to China unmarried and I should never have married a widower with a family, so it's a pity your girls had not been boys. I'm too much married, but it's done now and can't be undone. It will soon all be over for me - Lily has most of her life ahead of her if she lives out an ordinary life. But God reigns, and He will bring light out of darkness, and joy out of sorrow[.]
At evening time it shall be light. Suppose when you get through your quilts, carpets &c. you write a little sketch of your life. I cannot write mine for living it. My head forbids my doing any writing that requires thinking. You see I'm worn out all over and not good for anything but to be a burden and to suffer.
I am glad Will and Horry think well of my girls. Of course I do. They are two as capable girls as you will find soon - and so tender of me - so loving and sympathetic. Mary writes me that she feels so well this fall - so much stronger I think if I can keep her from overdoing till she gets her physical development she will be stronger. They can cut out and make their common classes without any help from me. They can bake good bread and cook generally. They can play and sing - read Latin and Greek and recite poetry by the yard - sweep and dust &c. &c. I should be very thankful for such children and I am. While they are spared to me I cannot be wholly unhappy.
Willie is a dear good boy too. So obedient and affectionate - he is fast gaining self control, and when I am depressd [sic] no one can comfort me like Willie. He is going to a select school this year quite near home. I am so glad of this opportunity for him. One thing I will compass if all are spared and that will be the thorough education of my children. If spared to do that I will die content. Yes I am sure God will care for Willie - and all my little flock. They are all His children, and He is faithful who has promised.
Yes Dr. Scorelgries entire satisfaction[.] His family have not come - will early in October. Dr Taylors are still there[.] Now it is dinner time - Give love to Johny and Jennie and write soon to your loving daughter
Jennie M. K.