[Some paragraph breaks added for ease of reading.]I am dreadfully tired and nervous. Please make allowance.
Steubenville Ohio
May 19, 1881Dear Sister Jennie:-
It is a little late to commence a letter to you especially if I tell you all I have to say to you. I have been watching for a time to write for several days and have not come to it till now. Your good long letter was thankfully recieved. [sic] Many thanks for your kind invitation to visit you this summer but I cannot accept it. Time will be very precious as I have so many things on hand for the summer. I must stay in Columbus two weeks at least and that will take me to June 23rd. I must be in Martinsburg to stand up with Annie Morrow July 5 and have promised her that I would go on a week or so before hand and help her arrange for the wedding. Then I have a few days visit in Pittsburg at Mr. Shaw's. It would not pay me to go to Wooster for a day or so and I could not possibly stay longer[.]
I am taking it for granted that you have heard all about Annie Morrow and Dr. Smith. Seems to me I told you in my last. But I doubt whether you have heard the latest news[.] It is nothing more nor less than that I am no longer engaged to Mervin, but am free. Many and various are my reasons for taking the step and I thought of it for a long time before I did it. Guess I made up my mind finally the night I came from the meeting at Wheeling. I was convinced that I could not be satisfied and happy with him and when I came to that conclusion I thought it was time I was telling him so. I will tell you all about it some day but cannot explain it all in a letter. I wrote to Rob. at once and asked him if he thought it would be possible for me to go to China with him. He wrote back by return mail and said he saw no reason why I should not go. Mother says I must not think of going with him so soon[.] It will be rash and she cannot think of it. Annie Mateer says if she were in my place and wanted to go sometime she would go with Rob. by all means.
Now, sister mine, what do you say? I am persuaded that it is my duty to go sometime as a missionary. Not only that but I want to go. I am not going to think anything more about a husband. If God puts in my way a good man who wants to take me to some foreign field I will take him. If not I can go to China and work for my Master without a man. Don't know but what I will be better off physically and better able to do my work if I do not get married. If I have a fine big brother to take care of me what more can I ask? Rob expects to go alone and I can do much to make him contented and happy and we can be company for each other. While I wait at home I might learn the language and be ready for work. I could go with Horrie but these two years would just be lost. If I go why not go now?
As to mother I don't know what to say. I have written her explaining all about how I feel and trying to make her see that it would be better for me to go. If she is still unwilling I shall hesitate. I cannot see why she should object for I am of no sort of use to her when I am off somewhere teaching. If I stay at home I will have to teach for she is not able nor willing to have me at home with her. I might just as well have been in China this year so far as she is concerned. If I did not have to teach and could take care of her it would be a different thing. As I shall not be getting married I shall not need so much of an outfit and the getting ready could be done in a short time.
Now please consider for a little and then write me what you think. Am I flighty? Or would you want to do the same thing if you were in my place? Love to all
Your sister
Lillie