Gill, Feb. 19, 1847My sweet cous -
Your father has come to-night & tells me he shall see you. It is as tho' he had brought freshly the air of the hills - the No. Alstead hills. I seem to be among you again; there is the slightest touch of melancholy over me as I go back to the year '45. I don't like to live in the past,
When "my heart was hot & restless
And my life was full of care,
And the burden laid upon me
Seemed greater than I could bear."
Thus it was not when, between the merry brooks, among the bright eyes and affectionate hearts in N. H.; but thus it has been ever since, until last summer. If I were put back with you this moment to Feb. 19 '45 - I would not with my present experience go to East Hampton & study Algebra in the coming summer - With my present experience, I say, rather with the character the experience of two years has given my mind.
I am making myself busy this winter making under-clothes and getting up nervous headaches. My health however is better than last winter at this time. I have read F. Bremer's tales some - I have a most extravagant passion for Fredrika Bremer - Shakspeare [sic] a little, which, by the way I closed in disgust and am now in the midst of Carlyle's "Past & Present." I am going to Worcester in May - perhaps I shall stop only a week however. - It is not because I do not like to hear from you very much & from my other friends that I have not written you and them. I do so dislike to write this winter. I have very little time for it, and the excitement of writing my friends is a good deal for my very weak nerves.
Now I have introduced myself to you - and how is it it [sic] with your own sparkle of a self? Weak nerves, dyspepsia, the blues, - I hope you haven't touched upon them yet in your student's voyage. Dear Emily, be very careful of your health, - do. Dont [sic] let them murder you by inches - no offence to your Alma Mater, my dear -
I shall so admire to see you after you are thro' your education! How does your acquaintance progress with your blessed Lord? O Emmie is He not a Blessed Saviour? Do you not find Him every time you go to Him, a thousand thousand times better than your fears? Do you not find it very sweet to lean every moment upon Him? Within a few days I have freshly felt my heart melted before Him. O E. it will not do for us to follow Him afar, looking backward all the while into the black wilderness to the bonfire lighted there. O let us live and labor only for His cause. I cannot tell you dear E. how glad and thankful I am that my dear B. is an earnest devoted christian - I cannot tell you - my heart is more than full, - love, gratitude, wonder. - If I could choose my lot in the great world I would give it up into His blessed hands again - In the year when I first found my way to His feet, I was perhaps as happy as now, but not more new & fresh & sweet was the love of those days.
I read last fall at Shelburn Falls a piece translated from the German "The Awakening" - the husband has awaked beside his wife whom he buried many years ago - he has awaked in - heaven. O it is so beautiful! So touchingly & thrillingly beautiful! He does not know where he is - among trees heaven high in whose branches is song as they are swayed by the wind. She makes him understand at last where he is - they talk together so sweetly and touchingly - and then - he is stirred with longings - longings to meet Him - "I must away to Him. I must say to Him that I love Him as I never loved ought before" - And then He looks on him. "Yes, those are the pierced, the blessing hands." O Emily it was so sweet, so heart-melting. One longs to go.
"And I wished myself among them" -
"I wished myself among them!" In the dashing & the roar
I struggled and I fainted for the green & quiet shore,
The waves forever tossing & the wind a maddening shout
The haunting tones within me, & the phantom eyes without!
O God to be among them! where the sea has passed away,
The sorrow and the crying the wrestling and the pay!
Where the glory hath no shadow & the music brings no pain,
And the last ones of our bosom come stealing back again.
Where the radiant eyes around you are brimming all with love
And the beating heart keeps measure to the breathing of the Dove,
Where every tongue is singing & the Saviour is the song!
O God to be among them! The way is rough and long!I can scarcely believe it is 9 o'clock - I must go - I cannot lose sleep without feeling it much & last night I was kept awake by 'Coe's sore finger. My love to cousin Nancy. Much acquainted?
Asa tells me he has saved some wedding cake for you. We expect our splendid Urania from the west, in the spring. Miss Burley the last of May - perhaps Mr. & Mrs. Richards.
I had a few words from Frank on a paper, but I didn't dare write on one to him cause N. A. P. M. is so particular - very different from ours - glad to hear from the fellow. Whom do you hear from? Russel W-? Miss Wilcox? Write -
In haste with poor pen
M.