Mt. Holyoke.
Fri. May 26.I am naughty now. I ought not to be writing to you but to some people whom I've owed letters for months. But, dear, I love you, & its pretty hard work to write to people I don't care about instead of to you.
Mr. Hill, George, Miss Miles's lover, is post graduate student & instructor at Harvard in Political Economy - next year he is to be instructor at Chicago University. I wish he were to be still at Harvard, as he might have been, & Miss Miles here - Mr. Hill is fine. I like him better than almost any man I have seen for a long time - he has a most brilliant wild lect [?], a fine soul, & is simple & honest in manner - he is very different from Miss Miles in temperament. Miss Miles & you are much alike in temperament, Mr. Hill & I. Miss Miles & I have talked about that. You would like Mr. Hill immensely. (natural inference?) he came for this visit last Sunday on the sly, you see - for various reasons - did not appear at the college at all, - the four of us took a two-seated carriage & drove over to Amherst Sat. P.M. to see the Harvard-Amherst ball game. What fun it was! Oh I hope we can see ever so many ball games, dear, I like mine so much. & then we drove about Amherst till dark, when we went to Old Hadley. We had great fun finding supper & a place [...] alll right, but arranged none successfully. We walked about that most picturesque of old towns by moonlight, to the infinite satisfaction of Mr. Hill & Miss Miles, -
Next day we spent on Mt. Holyoke - yes, Sunday, dear. You know I believe in Sunday in places like that. We'll often do things like that on Sunday, dear, - but I dont like city expeditions, nor all kinds of people on Sunday - a glorious time we had on the mountain-top - next June, when you come here after Commencement, we will go up there, dear. Miss Hadley will be here, you see, & perhaps you can get Brown or Mr. Buck or somebody so we shall be "a party" & hence proper - & we'll go to Old Hadley too - I'm longing to show you these places -
Late Sun. P.M. we drove to Northampton to take Mr. Hill to the train, & we crossed the river & the Northampton meadows at twilight, & the birds sang, & there never was a more beautiful evening. I stopped just for a moment to see my dearest Aunt Nan, & had a score of kisses. I'm going to spend Sunday with her soon -
Night.
Darling, I have thought a good deal lately about what my life ought to mean & what I want it to be - since you asked me. I have been trying to think honestly - & conscientiously - Dearest, I think I want to live for you, I think 'twill be right for me to do this. I believe that this my aim will be most divine - (most worthy my highest endeavor.[)] There will be no joy like the joy of growing nearer to you, of learning to understand & love you better, no sorrow like the sorrow of failing in this, no glory like the lory of succeeding in it -
Already my love is far stronger than I, - Darling, I rejoice unspeably [sic] that 'tis so - & I want to give myself up wholly to it & let it lead me where it will - I want to give my life to it, to be borne on, unresisting by its tide - for it is grand & might, Oh the wild glory of such love! Darling will you let me love you like that? help me to put my whole strength & life into it? I think it is gradually coming to that, George - everything else is but incidental, can never be more. I do not want to neglect anything which can make me fitter for you , - I will not - & I do not want, wrongfully & willfully, to shirk myself off from any work or duty or possibility before me - but dearest when I think about it, the living for you, the loving you, I can almost feel my wings - so does my heart lift up itself, such boundless freedom as breathes around me. I am inclined to think I was made for just this, - to love thee - I cannot write more - my heart is too full for words -
And you must love me well - else I die.
Lisa -Sunday.
I meant to write a little more & mail this yesterday, for I promised you three letters - 'tis right for me to break that promise, dear, for all day yesterday I was away, unexpectedly - had to be. Will you forgive me, & very soon I'll atone for it.
Dearest, I cannot tell you how happy the flowers made me this spring. I keep them all the time before that little Nuremberg frame where your picture is - my shrine - today you have perfect pansies & lillies [sic] of the valley. You will love flowers just as much as I do when we have our garden - oh I know you will.
If we could be in Williamstown George, I should like that better than anything else - it would be ideal. But I shalll [sic] be content anywhere - for I shall have my home.
No, dear, I am not pale. I am only my natural color, that is, most of the time - sometimes I am pale, for I have worked very hard this Spring - but I am well, & then I am out of school, & only a few weeks away from you[.] I shall be more than well I am so happy that even now I
feltfeel as tho I were in heaven. George, I believe it is heaven - I think heaven must be,whenfor me, when I am - in love, - with you - blessed words! & when all beauty & bloom is around me & in my heart - & it does not make me selfish, dear, I know it makes me better & nearer God. Oh come to me, sweet my boy, & let my heart beat against yours till God's love & glory surge through them both.Yes, dear, I dont believe Prof. James was quite right about the fellowship - I am sorry - another year we may do differently.
Dearest, I will be to your mother all that I can be - now & ever - & to all whom you hold dear - I want to be to your mother more than simply "my son's wife, Elizabeth." I want to be nearer to her than any one else is. I am - a good deal near
rer her than I was a year ago - oh yes - I shudder to remember that awful time - always when I think of it, dear, as I do not let myself if I can help it, for an instant there is a blaze of anger in my heart but it is all right now, dear - & I do not mind at all - why no , there is nothing to mind - I know there is not. I am just longing to be in your home again - oh how I love that place - what a comfort & joy it was to me to be there after you went away last summer - anywhere else I was restless & discontented - but that place seemed full of your presence. I want to be there this summer - but for other reasons do not want to go to Albion - I shall see what Uncle does in vacation &c - I am going to write to your mother at once. Darling, have you even thought what I should call your mother & father after we are married?Yes, Lew's letter is sad. I can feel it in him always. I wonder if I can ever come to be near him - oh I hope so. Our life will be very different from his - whatever we have he must share. & so must the rest of your dear ones - George - you have never minded the way I wrote after what you said about Alice? it was not that I differed with you at all, but only that the cool man's way of speaking of what must cost me a painful struggle & made me vexed.
George dear, I have another dear dear girl now - Mary Gordon, - not so attractive as Edith, nor do I know her quite so well as I do Gertrude & Grace Near. But I have come to love her & trust her & to be very happy with her - while she - well, she loves me very much - To-night I talked to her about you - told her who you were, too _ & she remembers the night you lunched in Miss Stevens' room - she knew about it at the time. This room was the one that is Mrs. Mead's bedroom now - &
itis right on the first floor - & that accounts for it. I'd always wondered how in the world they got you upstairs, & thro' the corridors, in the evening safely, & how [...] Miss Stevens could induce herselfastogetbring a young man up stairs at an hour when the girls fly about indiscreetly in all kinds of attire hair down, bath towels & soap in hand, &c -I want you to know Mollie Gordon -
Monday Morn.
Oh I must tell you about the St. Anthony I wanted - it is not Van Dyck's dear, it is Murillo's, in the Berlin Gallery - & no dear I think we would better not get it now - we have all we want - I would rather wait. Yes, next Christmas we shall arrange the photographs & send them to be mounted & burnished - I know just the place. I am wild to see them, George, I can hardly wait, - & to see them with you!!
George, do you like to think that you can make me perfectly happy? I feel sure you can. Your devotion is so perfect, so beautiful, you understand me & my needs & longings as no one ever has, - oh darling, you can never know, unless 'tis time for you too, what divine joy & peace have come into my life with the consciousness of your love & devotion -
Adieu, My Lover -
Thy Lisa.