New York - Sept 11.
Sunday Night.My darling - Again two days since I wrote to you - it shall not be so when I am settled at Mt. Holyoke.
Mr. Seeley came Fri. night to dinner & staid [sic] till about ten in the evening. We all had a delightful time I am sure, a bright pleasant dinner hour, & a visit afterward in the parlor all together till Gerald went to sleep & Dwight went out, when we girls entertained Mr. Seeley. He came back tonight to spend the evening with me, & has just gone. We looked at the Greek pictures which have just been mounted & are fine, & talked a great deal meantime, about everything, save the one theme I care most to talk of - you. The conversation drifted in another direction wholly, there was no turn which brought you into the foreground, & no break which gave me opportunity to introduce a new subject until Minnie & Dwight came in from church, & then, as on Fri. evening, I did not want to talk of you. On Friday we did speak of you several times however I gave Mr. Seeley your address the lack of which has prevented his writing you before, & told him something of your life in Germany. I longed to hear him talk of you, dear. I wish he might have said more.
I went to church this morning & all the afternoon Geo. was here so I have had not one minute alone till now, 11 o'clock, & I must be up in time to iron a gown before breakfast. Oh! tomorrow I must pack make one or two farewell visits, finish home sewing, & look after my dressmaker. See? Darling I must go to sleep now, but I shall have no time to write tomorrow & Tuesday I leave & must mail this letter before I go else 'twill not be in time for Wednesday's steamer. Forgive me once more - how can I send you so little, so pitifully little, out of my great love?
But no - I send you all my heart, my soul, my mind, so far as my will, my longing, can do it. Yes it is not right nor natural nor easy to write for only these few words - Last night I went to bed, so tired - & could hardly sleep for longing to see you, be with you. I am learning, every day, how you rule my life, how it is you I crave, how your love is my all - I pray God to make me worthy such a holy passion -
Good night, my lover,
Your Lisa -Monday Night.
All day I have been at work & to-night I went to see The Scarlet Letter at Daly's. I am going tomorrow at one o'clock, & my heart is chilled & wearied at the thought. The play tonight was grander than I can tell you - Richard Mansfield as Arthur Dimmesdale - I could think of nothing, feel nothing save the awful power of love. Oh but their love was beautiful, divine, in the end.
And you & I are lovers! Can it be? how awful. how sacred! I would look, first now, into your eyes, hold your hand, in wonder, reverence, bliss. If I could but tell you all I feel! Darling my heart is too full for words, ever for quiet & rest. I can not sleep, but I must try. Yet first I shall kneel here in the little sitting-room, where you & I have loved & suffered, & where you gave me the kiss that made me yours. You remember where we stood in that moment my lover? just there, every night, when the others are gone away, I kneel & cry to God for strength to bear my love, plead for His care over my lover, & thank Him for lover & love. Oh darling, do you pray for me? Pray often, much. I need it so.
George, dear, I cannot but be troubled about the cholera. I suffer with fear. I start & tremble whenever I allow myself to think of it. You are careless. You think little of your surroundings. Will you promise, promise, not to take any water till it has been sterilized? yes, without fail, it is fearfully dangerous for you to do otherwise, & to keep quite away from infected localities - [...]? oh promise - I am suffering. I ought to have asked you to promise sooner. Darling, let no precaution seem foolish & unmanly. You know that if anything should take you from me, all my life, every breath, every sound, every sight, every motion, would be one life-long anguish, a worse than living death to me, your child left alone - oh George think, & be careful, & may God forgive me if this is wrong. You must oh you must live for me. I place a kiss upon your lips, the holy kiss of love -
Thine - Lisa -